Monday, December 27, 2010

Once again the house was full of bustle at 5:00a as the last of the Jefferson's travelers arrived at the Zechiel household, and those that spent the night were rousted by John and his video camera.  By 5:30a the van pulled away on the quest to dine in 11 Jefferson's restaurants in five days.  While this might seem difficult if all of these were in our own city, the closest Jefferson's is a couple of thousand miles away.  We anxiously await the first report from the road.

BULLETIN!  BULLETIN!  BULLETIN!  The first report from the road has arrived!

One, two, three, OCHELHOMMER! Hello family and friends! We are writing to you from the great state of one, two, three, OCHELHOMMER! Let us recount our elaborate and enlightening events thus far. (For complete enjoyment of the following read, please put on your 3D-glasses at this time):

We managed to leave the Zechiel household at 5:30am sharp, only half an hour behind schedule, after enjoying some delicious pancakes and orange juice. And lots and lots and lots and lots of coffee. It was at this point that we discovered that Mary had in fact, not slept at all the previous night, and had actually briefly forgotten about the trip entirely between the hours of two and four. She is also in dire need of a kidney transplant - we are holding a kidney fundraiser at the Sizzler, which was the root of all her problems in the first place. You can donate either cash or your kidneys, including the little man inside. Please, no angry kidneys. Also, kidney beans are not accepted.

We promptly set up various Twitter accounts for some of the more-quotable members of the van. You can follow Mary at mary_stories, and Evan at kreepmeister (NSFW). He be trollin' they be hatin'. Victor was slacking on the wisdom nuggets, but then we started asking him questions about his love life, and this got the ball rolling. One, two, three, OCHELHOMMER! For the record, Mary agreed that she would feast upon the young carcass of Victor's baby, but not her sister Teresa's, solely due to the disparity in math ability between the two. Eric has manifested himself in the form of a specter that surrounds the vehicle in a protective shield to stem the attacks of Dratchmaster.

We made it to Arizona after passing the California River, and stopped in Kingman, AZ, where we ate at Quiznos (except for Steve who ate at Carl's Jr. because he is a status-quo breaker and an angry, angry man). Evan had some horny goat weed but experienced no change in behavior or mood, due to his perpetual state of bizarre consciousness. Btw, Steve and Mary are wearing matching video game pajama pants. Alex and John are wearing scarves. At this point, we visited the town of Twin Peaks which is near Mt. Everest, and due to the sound effects, this was quite disconcerting for the drivers. In the town of Twin Peaks, there were lots of sirens, good pie, some doughnuts, Special Agent Dale Cooper, and the coolest James you'll ever meet. One, two, three, OCHELHOMMER! (We just lost the game collectively). Like Luke Skywalker, John had to go pick up some power converters at his local home depot, but he did not go with his friends.

We decided that it would be a good idea for Billy Joel to collaborate with Geddy Lee and Stevie Wonder on a cover of "Stacy's Mom" by Fountains of Wayne. The new power trio will be called Hair Man Skin Band. In order to properly inspire this cover, we sang a few examples for him in our video invitation. We have been making good use of the DVD player, watching both "Arrested Development" and "The Joy of Painting" with Bob Ross. Bob Ross is amazing and inspiring and he painted a moonscape. Speaking of the moon, he has been in constant communication with us, but all he has told us is, "Ueghhheghhhhhheghhh." As far as final words go, the words "In the Navy, Victor" are a pretty lame way to go. We are currently going through Elk City and Mary is very unhappy with the prospect of having to do another barrel roll.

Nothing happened in New Mexico. In fact, we're not entirely sure it exists. One, two, three, OCHELHOMMER!

When we got to Texas, we finally ended up pulling over in Amarillo to try to go to either Red Robin, Hooters, or Applebees, but we ultimately decided on Famous Dave's, which is a good BBQ joint. We made this decision because we decided that Red Robin, Hooters, and Applebees were all just lesser versions of Jefferson's. We had a quick sit-down and had a meal with John, the Ghost of Christmas Past, not to be confused with John Zechiel, the man on our trip, or the Ghost of Christmas Present. Also, Eric was there. Evan got some post cards on how to properly cook up rattlesnake, which we will make use of as soon as we catch one. After we got back from our dinner, the tire pressure light came up on the dash, which we think may be due to the cold temperatures and changes in elevation, but we will keep an eye on this and make sure we are safe, as, in the words of Gordon Wampler, "If a tire goes out, you guys are screwed." Also, Mary has very smelly starbursts. The whole van will forever smell like bubbleicious. One, two, three, OCHELHOMMER!

Sincerely,

John Madden Boom Tough Actin' Tinactin

Evan, Steve, Victor, Mary, Alex, John and Josh all enjoy a pancake breakfast at "Chez Zechiel" before embarking on their third epic journey to Jefferson's.

Evan and Alex take care of last minute packing before their departure for points east.

This would have been a great picture of Alex, Evan, Steve, Mary and Josh if someone hadn't covered the electronic flash with their finger.

Driver John flashes the victory sign.

Victor seems pleased with the radar detector.

Evan hams it up for his picture with Alex.

Mary seems totally unaware that Alex has found white bread in his sandwich.

Steve and Mary enjoy a fine repast.

Victor drives with snow on the ground in Arizona.

Cousin Itt joins the group on their Jefferson's quest.

Evan and Steve practice with the video camera.

Victor shows off one of the "power converters".

Steve corrupts Mary by teaching her the dreaded "two thumbs up" gesture.

Victor reads the menu at Famous Dave's BBQ.

Is this perhaps... John, the Ghost of Christmas Past?

Josh poses with a horse in Amarillo, Texas.

John indicates it's chilly outside of Famous Dave's BBQ.

Victor seems dead to the world.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Treaty Treat Boner Pedro Blar Blar Blar Everyone! Greetings from the Baymont Inn & Suites here in Brentwood, TN. What a day, what a day. We started off by waking up nice and early in Oklahoma City. The original plan was to leave at 7:30a, but we ended up not leaving until closer to eight. Mary expressed incredible stamina, managing to get up early and actually exercise in this insanely cold weather. We left the Days Inn (John was driving for this leg of the trip), and got back on the I-35, heading towards Lawrence, KS, where we were scheduled to meet Lisa Bari (a friend from Grace Lutheran Church in Huntington Beach). Evan hunted birds of prey.

We arrived in Lawrence and drove past the Village Witch and the guy wearing an awesome hat, which made both Mary and Alex envious, as Alex had no hat of his own. We got an awesome parking spot right up front, and entered our first Jefferson's of 2010. We were greeted by our waitress, Kristen, who informed us that our appetizers would be free, along with several T-shirts. Jason, the owner, came out from the kitchen, where he was busily cooking, to greet us. We saw many interesting and inspiring dollar bills here, many of which we have included pictures of. Mary and Steve took time to people watch, and discovered the Lone Lawrence Hipster, who has lived there his entire life and has hated every minute of it (except for when he comes to Jefferson's), and we may have also seen Sean Connery. John took time out of his busy day to corrupt the future leaders of America and plant the seeds of the next Enron scandal when he gave a $2-bill to young adolescents and instructed them to cut it up. Lisa Bari came to meet us there and was quite impressed by our tale thus far. There was a burger contest in which one could attempt to eat a ridiculously huge four-patty burger and a pound of fries in thirty minutes or less, and they would be awarded with their meal for free. Our waitress informed us that the record was fifteen minutes, and the waitress who witnessed this feat described it as "the most disgusting thing she has ever seen." We have already formed plans to market a new menu-item to Jeff Ninnytitcher called the "Crazy Californian Burger," which is seven-patties, and seven pounds of fries. It's essentially like eating a sack of potatoes.

After a delicious meal, it was time to leave. We bid it adieu, and filled up the gas tank at Woody's gas station, which is now much more G-rated than we remember it. John got his gas pump totally shanked from him and gave a death glare to a fellow driver. Victor then took over the driving at this point. We got back on the Kansas Turnpike and headed east into Missoura. Steve Paine died of dysentery, Evan got bitten by a rattlesnake, and Victor suffered from exhaustion, but we successfully forded the river. As we passed over the Mississippi River, we sang a rousing four-part arrangement of "Goin' Over the Mississippi," which we had been rehearsing all week. The idea was to surprise Mary, who we had not let in on the secret, but she seemed less than impressed, and didn't really grasp what had happened until several hours later.

We soon arrived at the Belleville location. This would have been sooner, except Victor seemed absolutely incapable of turning into the parking lot. It was very cold, and there was snow everywhere and icicles hanging from the overhang. Our waitress was Casey, and she informed us that we could have twenty free wings. We took her up on this, and enjoyed ten Lemon-Pepper, and ten Carolina wings. They were delicious. We also ordered tons of appetizers like the fried ravioli. We saw Barbara Walters, but she had to leave to conduct an interview. We suspect she might be the columnist we meet tomorrow. (We're kind of a big thing).

We left here to go to Mascoutah (John was driving), and were rather surprised to find the smallest Jefferson's yet! This was the first location that was new for all of us. We walked in and met the owner who comped our drinks and gave us a ten dollar gift certificate. Hockey has invisible pucks (Josh: Does not.) Our waitress was Kelsey, and Victor says that she was certainly the cutest waitress we have had so far on our trip. Like we mentioned, this was a very small location, but it was very cozy, and we enjoyed putting our first two dollar bill up on the wall. We left and were sure not to slip on the black ice, and then started towards Brentwood.

We watched super troopers, got all metaphysical and psycho-whatsit, and we crossed over the Kentucky River (not to be confused with the Ohio River, which is only in Ohio). There was a point where we encountered three vans. They had come from Kentucky to Tennessee, stolen the vans straight from the dealer truck, and were going back for more. They were also very drunk on moonshine, and swerving all over the place, but nobody besides us seemed to care. Not even the 911-operator. At this point, Evan decided it would be a good idea to break out the red vines. We'll let the pictures speak for themselves.

We ended up in Brentwood, where we write you now. As we drove up to our hotel, Eric tried to desperately warn us against Emergency Vehicle and Train, both of whom were approaching from the Lobby. We quickly parked and waited for the danger to subside before checking in.

We wake up early tomorrow and meet Ninnytitcher. Until then...

Sincerely,

Bishop Mandible, Transultimate Apostle of the Antisecular Conclave of Clerics

Steve raises a cup of coffee in front of the Days in (where they all spent the night).

Evan doesn't seem to trust the GPS system they have onboard and prefers a good old-fashioned road map.

Driver Waldo, uh...John, as they head to Lawrence, Kansas.

They only pay with $2.00 bills when dining at Jefferson's.

Alex, Victor, Josh, Evan, Steve and Mary outside the Lawrence, Kansas Jefferson's.

The $2.00 bills left on the first Quest4Jeffersons and on the Return2Jeffersons.

Evan and Josh joke around with Owner Jason in Lawrence, Kansas.

Mary and John pose with waitress Kristen in Lawrence, Kansas.

Josh seems to be enjoying himself in Lawrence, Kansas.

Victor practices for the Jefferson's Burger Challenge in Lawrence, Kansas.

The Jefferson's Burger Challenge rules.  Rule #3 seems to be important.

The Burger Challenge board.  Check out that burger on the right, and all the people who beat the challenge on the left.

The gang poses with Lisa Bari (but we don't know which one is Lisa) at the Lawrence, Kansas Jefferson's.

Entering Missouri.

Alex, Josh, Mary and Steve at the Belleville, Illinois Jefferson's.

Josh, Mary, Steve and Evan in the Belleville, Illinois Jefferson's.

Alex finds out that Victor is ticklish after eating Jefferson's food.

Steve, Evan, Victor and Alex pose with waitress Casey in the Belleville, Illinois Jefferson's.

Outside the Belleville, Illinois Jefferson's.

Outside the Mascoutah, Illinois Jefferson's.

Josh meets the owner of the Mascoutah, Illinois Jefferson's.

Victor is obviously enchanted with yet another super-hot Jefferson's waitress, Kelsey.

Alex poses with the first $2.00 bill to adorn the Mascoutah, Illinois Jefferson's.

Evan decides it's a good idea to break out the red vines.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Q: How many Hollyspoots does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Five! Four to hold the schpivel, and one to pull out their hair!

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Welcome back. Today we will be working on a nice white canvas. We will paint a happy light blue sky, maybe a happy tree right here. Remember, we don't make mistakes - only happy accidents.

Last night we arrived at the Hampton Inn and Suites in Jacksonville, AL to find that the front desk attendants were almost as excited about our trip as we were. It was nice to see the love of Jefferson's light up someone else's eyes for the first time. The passion compounded over night, and a different desk attendant requested to take a picture with our van the next morning.

Before we get to that, though - the breakfast lounge at the Hampton Inn and Suites was calling to us, and a party had to be had. Wine was promptly placed into coffee cups - hot sleeves, lids, and all (Columbo would be proud) - and the cooler part of the Jefferson's crew (the non-drivers) lost about four hours of sleep to the cause.

It has come to our attention that we have not yet mentioned sleeping arrangements. The rooms have been split up into snorers (Alex, Victor, and Mary) and non-snorers. Negotiations are currently in place to move John to a more appropriate room.

We left the hotel to much fanfare and arrived at the Jacksonville Jefferson's at 11AM (John drove the two miles required). We looked at the marquee expecting great things; what we saw was an advertisement for $4.99 hot wings. The other side, though, had been rearranged specifically for us: "THURSDAY, CALIFORNIA CREW, ROAD TRIP 2010."

When we entered the restaurant we were greeted by Willie the manager who informed us that our meal was comped. He couldn't have been a nicer guy, but we didn't get to talk to him for very long because he was in the kitchen preparing us a new item on the menu - referred to as the "most glorious of sandwiches" by Mr. Hardgrave - a McRib without the McDonalds taste. It was gone almost as soon as it hit the table.

We then were greeted by our waitress, who exuded Southern hospitality, much to the delight of Victor and Evan, who ultimately failed at their search for a Southern belle to bring home despite their best efforts. We found out that Joy still works there, although we weren't lucky enough to see her this time around.

As we left the Jacksonville Jefferson's we passed OMG Donuts and promptly made plans to create ROFL Waffles and LOL Cakes. A 20-minute drive later (John was driving, Victor was navigating, and passenger locations are available upon request) and we found ourselves at the penultimate Jefferson's in Oxford, AL. This Jefferson's was huge and the people in it had no idea who we were, even after we explained to them that "we are a pretty big deal," and that "we know Jeff Webb."

We were already pretty stuffed from our previous meal and settled on appetizers and pie (which is distinct from cheesecake) this go-round. The men's bathroom at this location has a TV, although the women's bathroom is conspicuously missing both a TV and a bench. In addition to the regular tees, this Jefferson's sold hot shorts and miniskirts with the restaurant name across the rear. Mary did not purchase either of these because she is a classy dame, not a hoochie mama. Evan, on the other hand, seriously considered both purchases for himself for his own selfish reasons, which he hasn't explicitly elaborated on (thank goodness). We finished our meal, quashed the Victor mutiny, and continued our journey.

As we were getting back onto the interstate we saw our first reminder that we were in the Deep South: a billboard that asked, simply, "WHERE IS THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE?" Most of us found this mildly amusing, except for Evan who freakin' hates liberals, and who is currently writing his first novel, Conservative Like Me.

Steve and Mary spent a good hour or more listening to happy music - much to everyone else's annoyance - at full blast. Victor was stuck in between them where he was literally forced to dance. John was driving. Victor continued to navigate even as he rocked out, which caused him to lose the GPS signal.

We finally arrived at Hoover, our last Jefferson's, where we were greeted with the stink eye from a confused couple leaving the restaurant. We attempted a few jump photos out front where we learned that Evan sucks at jumping and Victor has an inner tyrannosaurus rex. This Jefferson's is both the newest and the largest, although it contained a familiar face. The cook at this Jefferson's had cooked for us before at Gadsden. We also spoke to our waitress, Constance - who has a rogue highlight that Josh found particularly... alluring... - and the manager, Ashley, a friend of Ninnytitcher's. Also, they had Chimay on tap. Read that again: they had Chimay on tap. Wow.

We said our woeful goodbyes to the last Jefferson's and began our trek home. We played three different versions of TRUTH OR FALSE (the fourth version is currently in production). All of these were excellent games. FALSE!! We had to trick Victor with a double negative (which proved positive!) in order to stop the last version. We left Alabama, crossed over Mississippi (and the mighty Mississippi River, oooh!), and went through Louisiana. Victor was driving. We watched Brick, Clue, and a whole lot of Bob Ross. Also, we would almost certainly have gotten pulled over if it hadn't been for our radar detector and Eric's protection. Thank you, Eric.

We then stopped in Texas, where we encountered one of many broken Dairy Queens and a Burger King with a satisfaction rating of 63. We followed this up with a whole lot more Bob Ross, because Bob Ross is a genius with infuriatingly effortless talent. Mary and Steve verbally harassed Bob Ross for the better part of an hour due to their uncontrollable envy and karma came back to bite Mary in the ass, almost killing her (she has 2 lives left now). They shut up after that. Steve is still awaiting his comeuppance.

Bob Ross's soothing voice eventually put most of the car to sleep, and John had the pleasure of spotting the Silverado Cowboy Church and Liquor Galore (where Evan should have asked about the moonshine). Upon awaking we had rousing conversation, cussed out Colorado City (and blew through it like a TORNADO!), passed Stink Creek Road, and made our way to the Comfort Inn and Suites in Monahans, TX.

With love and flowers and chocolate and kisses and all that mushy stuff,

Cleatus, his slow son Willy, and his blind, recently-deceased dog Jeff

An excited Hampton Inn employee poses with brothers John and Alex as they ready for depature on the 4th day.

The Jacksonville, Alabama Jefferson's welcomes Victor, Josh, John, Mary, Steve and Alex.

The Jacksonville, Alabama Jeffersons manager, Willie, greets Mary and Evan.

Victor, Mary and Evan with still another hot Jefferson's waitress.

The $2.00 bill left on the second "Return to Jeffersons" trip.

Oxford, Alabama, and the Jefferson's where they didn't know the California Crazies from Adam.

Victor, Alex, Steve, Mary, Josh and Evan prepare to be humiliated.

Evan and John enjoy dessert at the Oxford, Alabama Jefferson's.

Steve and Mary wonder what happened to their celebrityhood in the Oxford, Alabama Jefferson's.

Victor and Mary with still another super-hot Jefferson's waitress. It's a shame there's not yet a Jefferson's in California.

Alex seems ready for the trek home.

Alex, Victor, Steve, Mary, Evan, John and Josh pose for a final group portrait in the Oxford, Alabama Jefferson's.

One has the nagging suspicion that some people are still not completely aware that the Civil War has been over for more than 140 years.

One of the more interesting hobbies that you can spend your money on: Your own billboard messages.

Some can jump, others not so much. Josh, Evan, Victor (still grounded), Steve, John and Alex outside of the Hoover, Alabama Jefferson's.

Steve meets another Jefferson's cutie, along with manager Ashley in Hoover, Alabama.

Brothers John and Alex enjoy their final Jefferson's meal of the road trip in Hoover, Alabama.

Evan and Steve celebrate, with a new friend, their final Jefferson's meal in Hoover, Alabama.

Steve, Victor and John with waitress Constance and her "rogue highlight".

John, Alex, Mary and Josh contemplate what life will be like without Jefferson's.

Josh (upper left corner), Steve, Victor and John enjoy their "last supper" in the Hoover, Alabama Jefferson's.

We hope they didn't leave that camcorder on the table.

John and Alex raise a glass to Jefferson's and the winding up of their road trip.

Victor poses with the $2.00 bill left behind to mark their third Jefferson's adventure, in Hoover, Alabama.

Leaving Alabama (cue the Mississippi River song).

While Steve, Evan and Alex patronize a Burger King, only Steve seems to have noticed that a camera was pointed their way.

Josh, Evan, Steve, Mary and Alex are entranced by the Bob Ross DVD as they hit the road for points west.

Friday, December 31, 2010

Oooh, you touch my tra la la, my ding ding dong.

After we arrived at the hotel in Monahans, TX last night, the cooler portion of the Jefferson’s crew (i.e., the non-drivers) again had a party - this time at Huddle House. The after party was in the breakfast lounge.

In our attempt to make it back before midnight tonight, we left the hotel before 10:00a this morning. John was driving. In fact, John drove the entire way from there to California at record speeds (Victor drove the last stretch). Steve and Mary again wore matching pajama pants - soda themed - this time with tie dye Jefferson’s shirts, too.

We made a quick stop to eat fresh at Subway, where ducks eat fo’ free. We risked our lives driving alongside Juarez, Mexico, home of the shanty-christ, where Evan still failed to find Moonshine. We then found our way to The Thing, but we’re not quite sure what it is. We also saw a car that Hitler was in once, maybe. See, ‘the thing’ is that it can’t be proven. Also, there were a lot of torture devices. Basically, The Thing was obscenely creepy. John was astoundingly underwhelmed, Victor can’t wait to go back; we’re not sure which is worse.

We spent a long time looking out the window and realized that God must have learned how to paint from Bob Ross; it is the only explanation. Also, we saw Fraggle Rock.

Six out of seven members of the car (note: the six that typically weren’t driving) had been attempting to get to Waffle House throughout the whole trip - the goal was to make it to at least four. We finally made it to one today in Tucson, where we met up with Meg and Reid Silvern (John, Alex and Mary's aunt and uncle) who kindly paid for our meal (thank you!). It is worth mentioning that nobody was more excited about Waffle House than John, despite his best efforts to keep us away.

The entire remainder of the trip can be summed up as follows: we watched a heck of a lot of Bob Ross and we ROCKED OUT. There is substantial video evidence of the latter. In fact, we rocked out SO HARD that the car transformed into Club Ninnytitcher, complete with strobe lights, but it quickly changed back into the Wampler-Mobile whenever we ran into a border check.

Peace, love, and hot wings,

OCJC3: Josh Hardgrave, Steve Paine, Evan Rowe, Mary Whitelaw, Victor Williams, Alex Zechiel, and John Zechiel

Evan, Josh, Steve and Mary pack up their room in Monahans, Texas and prepare to hit the road for the long trek back to California.

Alex settles into some tunes to help pass the time.

Josh says "thumbs up" for the return trip.

Driver John has the radar detector installed and activated.

Evan takes in the scenery on the return trip.

Leaving Texas.

A shot into the interior rear-view mirror shows driver John, passenger Alex and the others in the back of the van.

Leaving New Mexico.

John, Alex, Victor, Josh, Mary, Steve and Evan take time out of their busy schedule to find out what it feels like to be ripped off by a roadside attraction in southern Arizona.

In the extensive gift shop, Evan demonstrates for Mary what this lamp should sound like if it made noise.

Adults are only $1.00. How could you go wrong?

P.S. They all assure me that at $1.00, The Thing? is an OK deal.

Josh, Victor, Mary, Steve, Alex and Evan admire The Thing?

John's self portrait seems to say it all regarding The Thing?

The have genuine twisted tree branches at The Thing?

Josh, Victor, Mary and Steve at the Waffle House in Tucson, Arizona.

Alex with his Aunt Meg and Uncle Reid in the Waffle House in Tucson.

Steve, Josh, Victor and Mary enjoy their waffles.

Alex, John and Evan with John and Alex's Uncle Reid at the Waffle House in Tucson.

Evan, Steve and Mary rock out to the music of "Club Ninnytitcher" (which seems to disturb Alex) as they travel through Arizona and into California.

Yet another stop by US Border Patrol agents on Interstate 8 along the California - Mexico border.

Evan, Victor, Josh, Mary, John, Steve and Alex back home safe in Lake Forest, California.